the places you have come to fear the most

oh em gee

Wed, 29 Jun 2005 16:37:04 GMT

WTF.

today was a day full of randomness.

i really hate my home life. i realllllly hate it. my moms like superbitch.. i have marks on my fucking arm from her. everyones just fucking gay, except mike.. ♥ and so i hate the rest of my fam. die.

school is fucking retarded, im not going back to dc. im going to like crestwood for a day to like check it out, or something. should be entertaining to say the least.

friends.. well i guess i really cant complain. i dont have like 3045038954 friends, but, i do have people that care about me. i just.. i want my best friend back. the one that just stayed @ my house, all the time.. and it was just, cool. i want someone i can tell everything too. i want.. i need.. i yearn for a best friend. *sigh*

guys. well lets not even go there. guys are.. retarded xamillion. i didnt get to go to toronto this wknd.. so im kinda glad. no falling for bobby again. and its all confusing.. cus maybe dave? and kevin called me tonight. how fuckin random is that? i cant like him. i wont. ive known him since i was 9, thats like going out w/ my brother. no, no, no. im not. no. maybe i like bobby? UGH. i hate guys! but now i miss a boyfriend. i want one for the summer. i NEED one for the summer. blah.

goodnight kids. ♥

Tue, 21 Jun 2005 15:29:30 GMT

i would just like to say thank you to all the fucking assholes that make me hate cheer.

fuck you.

raaaaaaaaaandom.

Tue, 21 Jun 2005 15:13:28 GMT

hockeykiddbp13: so were broke up for now. but see u are mean
+13139800326: Leave me alone i dont wanna talk to your sorry ass

well. thats interesting. we'll see how tomorrow goes.

here i go again on my own....

Tue, 21 Jun 2005 14:59:52 GMT

hm.. what to say about the last few days? bad. i guess. i dont even know. SUCKED. to the max. jennis in florida. what can i do without jenni? absolutely fucking nothing. =/ i hate that i fought with her. she is my best friend, just, ever. shes someone that would give her kidneys for me, if i needed them. she cares and loves me that much. its kind of overwhelming sometimes, to know someone cares that much. i hate how i dont trust her with alot, when i should trust her with everything, because i know she will always be there for me. i..i..guess i just push her away =( and i hate it. because.. well, i know i shouldnt. i dont even know.

on the plus side, my bobby came back from cancun today =D and that makes me happy. why? i dont know. i guess.. just talking to him..even when hes mad.. is better than not talking to him @ all i guess? whatever, i am the epitome of gay. =/

OH. im sure you'd like an update of the past few days? yes. well yesterday was boring.. until magan came over. that was fun. ive missed her. something is still weird, but i guess i just need time to like, trust her again. i dont know. it will be fixed tho. it must be fixed. hm. today, nothing special. like i stated, bobby came home. OH. + i hung out with stephaniiiiiiie. who i just loooooove ♥ we have such good talks. even if they are slightly sad =( 2 + 3 months all the way baby! or even if she pushes back my cuticles cus` shes weird, its okay, because i love her. =) bFfL ♥

and in other news... tonis mad @ me. whats new? because people know what shes doing. okay, well its not like 94753947543975395 other people dont know. its not my fault my brothers not DUMB. anyone with eyes or ears realize what shes into now... and its not my fault that almost everyone doesnt agree with it. i just wish she knew what she was doing to herself.. its just not fucken right man.. "party girls." i mean, i dont really know if thats something to be proud of persay.. but whatever. i hope this is just a phase, and she comes back to me soon.. safe + sound. =(

hm.. im doing pretty well @ non-ugly + the cuties..thankfully. i like these communites. i think i shall join more once i get my new highlights =) which is friday..and i cant wait man. i will update with pictures for sure. =)

hockey tournament this weekend. but how weird is it gona be WITHOUT toni? i donno man, its sticky-icky. i do wana see my boys tho...hm....=/

well i am off.
100/2378 --> still burning... =(

Tue, 21 Jun 2005 14:58:24 GMT

hockey tournament saturday..time to see my main maaaaaan all tan + muscular :D

AAAAAAAAND i am getting highlights tomorrow. woohoo.
happiness for once during break =)
♥q

its on like donkey kong...biotch

Tue, 21 Jun 2005 14:56:20 GMT

interesting day to say the least.

but im out..calling jess,magan,+ then bed.
ta-ta.

so tight... so fly you got me lifted...

Tue, 21 Jun 2005 14:54:07 GMT

today was pretty good. well, not really. but better than yesterday. well..kind of...=/

i talked to toni last night. things are still weird. i just, i donno man. its confusing shit. i love her, shes like my best friend. and like i tried to explain to my parents in between fits of tears today, no matter what she does, or who shes with, she still is the same toni mccann that was there for me thru everything. jon,bobby,nowlin,olsmith, everything. and even tho shit might not wana be friends with me, i still want to be friends with her. even if i dont agree with some of the choices shes making right now. i guess the best thing i can do is be there for her.. when she wants me to be. i donno man, tough shit right there... =/

so after i called toni, i called magan. because i needed someone to talk to. and guess what, we talked to friggen 4 in the morning. haaa. no suprise there. im amazed that i can do that with someone, and not run out of things to talk about. we havent talked in what seems, years. but we still have that bond. because we're magan and lauren, and thats that. <3=)

today i hadta get up @ nine cus of church. =( thumbs down to that. OH. and i got woken up by a fucken AIR HORN. duuuude that was SO not cool. damn parentals..haaa. it was amusing, because i just kinda rolled over, and went, "go away assholes.." and fell asleep. anyway. so we went to 10 o'clock mass @ mels. i <3 that church. mels is definitally one place where i still feel safe and calm. within those walls are my childhood, and i feel happy when im there. me + mike made fun of people. it was a great time. =) then we went to brunch @ hawthorne valley country club w/ my dads side of the family..took pictures w/ bacon, the usual. its always amusing with that side of the family. i <3 them. when im with my family, my problems go away. i like that feeling. then we went back to my nonnis, exchanged presents and all that good stuff. danced around to prince, the usual. theres just a certain time @ a peruzzi family gathering, where we just dance. its great, i love it. then we went to the grandpas hizzouse. stayed there for a bit. my grandpas doing soo good after his surgery. it makes me happy to see him doing so well.. so that brightened up my day =)

then i came home, and all hell broke loose. whenever i want to talk to my dad, my mom butts in. not only that, but she makes me feel worthless. i hate it when she gets me to tell her shit, and then doesnt even attempt to understand. she makes me feel so shitty. i hate her so much sometimes.

and now im here. im so glad we're on break. gota hang out with my friends and stuff =) yay. i think bons is coming over friday. so that should be fun. havent seen her in so long. i miss her =/ OH. hockey tourney this wknd. YAH BABY! =D woohoo. i love them, they are fun. w/ all my fav bois. OH. and bobby comes back from cancun on wednesday..and that in itself should be amusing for sure =) ah.. best be going tho. going to the aunts tomorrow i think.

ta-ta. ♥

likes + dislikes at the current moment...

Tue, 21 Jun 2005 14:52:41 GMT

i hate how me and toni are weird.
i hate how i dont have a best friend anymore.
i hate how i drift apart from anyone important to me.
i hate how i miss bobby every five seconds of the day, and how i cant let him go, no matter what happens.
i hate how me and magan fought.
i hate how jenni and magan are best friends.
i hate how im not on cheer.
i hate the fact that im fat. 100.5 lbs is not okay with me.
i hate how i feel like i have no one to talk to.
i hate feeling worthless.
i hate how i push people away.
i hate how i attempt to be strong, but fail terribly.
i hate how i havent been happy in 4 1/2 months.
i hate being alone.
i hate being sad.
i hate how me and toni cant talk anymore.
i hate how toni is slowly injesting lethal *items* into her system, and wont even listen to me...but most of all, i hate how she wont let me be there for her.
i hate how tonis pushing me away.
i hate how i cry every night.
i hate how my highlights are grown out.
i hate how i feel like i have no friends.
i hate my mom, and how i cant talk to her, and she makes me feel like shit all the time.
i hate red,disgusting, roast beef.
i hate the fact that bobbys going out w/ natalie, and i cant do anything about it.
i hate how i love bobby.
i hate how i cant get him off my mind.
i hate how i messed up things with me and david.
i hate how i look --> disgusting.
i hate the fact that i care so much for bobby, and he doesnt care.
i hate that the hockey team thinks ima whore.
i hate how im gona get cut from pom.
i hate how no one understands me, or cares.
i hate me + my life. =(

i love bobby..=/
i love my friends [ well the friends i do have.. ]
i love stephanie sakowicz + steph from dj/gj (truelies).
i love my family. esp my bro,aunt,and cousins.
i love magan hoover.
i love anne kremer + katie d`avanzo.
i love the song burn, by usher.
i love taco bells cheesy bean and rice burritos.
thats it.

bye.

corrections + additions

Tue, 21 Jun 2005 14:40:57 GMT

a few corrections or additions to the last entry.

i hate how i havent been happy since i was with bobby.
i hate how i havent hung out w/ anyone over break.
i hate how tonis not going to the tournament w/ me this weekend.
i hate how jennis in FL right now.

i dont remember if i put this.. but..
i love toni, even if she doesnt see it right now, and all she can see is me trying to bitch @ her + run her life.

yeahh thats it..
bye.

p.S. :: one other correction, i havent been happy in 5 1/2 months.. not 4 1/2 .. =(

when im hurting, i aint happy baby...

Tue, 21 Jun 2005 14:39:38 GMT

ahh i feel so sad. i have no friends @ gj.. =( hAa. ah well.. who cares. this is about getting my thoughts out. so here i go.

so yesterday.. was pretty gay. i woke up..and after much talking with jess.. me + nat made up. its for the better, because bobby hated us fighting, and so, this will show bobby how mature im becoming? even tho hes not mature himself. oh well, im not gona try to understand it. im gay, what can i say. ;) ha. alright anyway. so then i hit up the mall..got cute new underwear from limited too. =) and then came home.. sat around. the usual. then @ night..wow.. my dad is SO gay. me and mike were laughing really loud because i put up an away message for him that said :: "i want to fuck lauren beers and jenny jankowski in the asshole." now. you dont know them, but if you did, you would understand the humor in that. so we were like dying..and my dad is like "GET TO BED NOW." fag. oh well, me and mike bonded in my room by coloring pictures with my markers and talking for like 2 hours. haha. i <3 my brother :) i broke down infront of him, i cant help it.. i get SO much shit for still liking bobby..okay man. i cant help it.. =( whatever man..

this am, i was in the middle of a "matilda" dream..haha..and my bro woke me up. hadta color easter eggs.. haha. so i did that, and now im here...

but i should go, gotta shower, pick out an outfit for tomorrow, and paint the nails.
ta-ta. ♥

ive been traveling for sometime..

Tue, 21 Jun 2005 14:38:31 GMT

"you remind me of the times when i knew who i was.." -- those lyrics are the most meaningful i have heard in a long time. i can safely say that the past four months have been sheer hell. ive lost just about everyone important to me, starting with bobby. and i realize 9547947539 people have told me, "hes just not worth it lauren" - do you think i dont know that? i mean, im not dumb? but, something about him.. and who "we" were.. is something i miss. i miss how i could call him every single day, and feel the best ive ever felt. no one ever looked @ me and could sincerely say, "i love you".. and i know those words dont mean anything to nearly anyone anymore, but hearing them from somebody you truly care about, well that is a blessing in disguise. he was the first person i knew that i could go to, and just be able to feel better. he called me 5 times a day, and as much as that got annoying, there really was no better feeling. i felt like someone actually cared. actually wanted to hear my voice. actually wanted to be near to me. but that all ended.. so abruptly, and i really wasnt ready for it.. not even close. every night, i stay up late, and pray that the voice telling me i need bobby will fade away. because in my head, i know i dont need a guy. but there are those times..those times when just about everything is wrong, and your life is crashing down around you...and you need that special someone to tell you :
"lauren, its okay. we're gona get thru this together..i love you"
those 3 little words that mean soo much.. just to hear them tell you that everythings going to be okay, and for those few moments, you believe it. everytime that i was with bobby.. everything, every problem faded away... i was happy, even blissful? i was on cloud 9, and nothing, NOTHING, could bring me down. and then, right when he dropped me off, nearly 2 minutes later, he'd call me from his cell.. "i miss you.." i mean, comon. who WOULDNT miss that? and if you wouldnt, youre fucked up. i know he treats me like crap sometimes, i know this, i dont need you to tell me. but.. i dont know man, i dont even know anymore. i guess im just not comfortable with myself enough to be like, im fine on my own. i HATE being alone. and thats all i am right now, is alone. i have no one. my best friends are gone. me and magan fought, and altho things are basically back to normal, theres still that something that has closed me to talking to her like i used to. me and jenni are weird? and toni, who has been my best friend for soo long.. has gone to DHS and has forgotten about me.. and is ditching me to hang out with the DHS kids. fucker. i knew this would happen. =( i miss her so much.. like you dont even know. i dont even feel like i can call her anymore.. or talk to her. i feel so alone.. im too easy to trust.. but not anymore, now im afraid to trust. ive never been like that, and it scares me. i always had someone to talk to.. someone to help me thru everything, someone that was always there. and now, now i just dont. and im afraid of what ill do. because right now.. i just feel like im going to explode, and i dont know who to go to. my parents.. i cant talk to them. if i tried to talk to mike, it wouldnt help, because he thinks im retarded for still liking bobby. and i just i donno, i dont even think i would know what to say. i used to be able to talk to magan,toni, or jenni.. but i dont even have them anymore. i hate writing in this thing.. im constantly in fear of telling people how i feel, because once you tell people how you feel, you let them into who you are, and give them the chance to hurt you with it. and ive been hurt wayyyy to many times to even begin to want to trust again. =/

i hate the fact that im fat. ive been gaining weight constantly for awhile now. ever since i fucken got kicked off cheer. which, well, dont even get me started on that one. i have a stomach on me, it makes me want to cry. i constantly am fearing slipping into a weight problem.. and i just dont know what to do... =/ because, of course, i have no one to talk to about it. because no one gets it.. toni did, but now shes gone. and i have no one...

i hate the fact that i dont feel @ home anywhere anymore. i used to feel so.. happy,calm,peaceful @ hockey. that was one place were i always felt i belonged. but now, i dont even feel like i belong there. and if i dont belong there.. i dont know where to go. i dont have anything to look forward to anymore....

i constantly try to think of ways to hurt myself.
im a bad person. a bad friend, daughter, girlfriend, best friend, sister, family member.. a bad everything and everything. and i am sorry.. im sorry if i hurt you, because i know i have hurt soo many people that have been close to me. ive ruined everything good in my life. im left with absolute shit. i dont even see a point in being around here anymore...

anyways, what provoked this you might ask? the damn hockey video my dad made. it made me think of how much i miss hockey and how much i miss how i was in like the beginning of this year. i was sooo happy. and then bobby and me were "done" and shit happened.. and now every single day, my mom is a constant reminder of how i can do nothing right. im sorry, i am a screw up.. but its not like i need you to remind me of this every second of the day. i know i disappoint you, and embarass you, and you wish you never had me.. am i that terrible? because i made a few mistakes? =( im sorry...

i just..
i wish i knew who i was. because i certainly dont know anymore...

great easter present, aint it?

when kindness falls like rain...it washes me away..

Tue, 21 Jun 2005 14:36:30 GMT

anyway... so i definitally hate deadjournal. im not updating in there anymore. too many people that i know read it, and it makes me angry..cus they get all pissy + are like "like omg, you really think of me like that?!" + it makes me mad. *roar* so im gona be in here alot. woohoo. snaps for me. i need more friends on here...

OH. boring day today..just laid around, slept. i think im getting sick again. in total i slept for 16 hours today. oh. + i watched finding nemo. :) that movie makes me happy.

ah, alright, i think thats enough. im going friends only sometime soon. i just need a cute banner. oh, i will have better pics for you also. soon.

ta-ta. ♥